


Lab rat

by broken_ankle



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 14:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17623856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_ankle/pseuds/broken_ankle
Summary: His mind is the testing field for the AIs. All of the AIs.He doesn't have friends, doesn't have a life.It takes someone else blowing up for him to realize he's not happy.





	Lab rat

**Author's Note:**

> So, this actually was born as a vent piece, which is the reason the first part is different from the rest. It was the only thing I had set to write and it was about my character dealing with the same feelings as me, but then I decided to expand on it to make it a metaphor of sorts for what I want for myself. So, if the whole thing doesn't add up, it's because it was not really meant to make sense for someone else. I'm sorry in advance.
> 
> Also, English is not my first language, so pointing mistakes out would really be welcome.

_Why is he always following us around?_

_Doesn’t he have friends?_

_Why can’t he leave us alone?_

He knew what the others thought. He knew that he was only useful as long as he kept his score, as long as he did not let them take his place away, as long as he was silent. They accepted him as long as he did not let them on what he was thinking, what he felt. He was fine as long as he did not talk, as long as he did not intrude in their lives by more than being on the background, an unfortunate spot in the corner of their eye. He was fine as long as he was only a decorative, walking object.

He was fine. He had friends.

* * *

 

It’s only when the first AI blows up in his mind that he realizes.

These people have seen him only as a pawn this entire time. He’s just been the ghost all along, the one lucky enough to beat the few other agents they placed in front of him just for appearances' sake. He’s always been treated as a lab rat, the testing field for the AIs.

He has no real friends, the ones he actually managed to find having been ripped from him the moment they cleared them for duty.

Delta lives in another mind, now. He doesn’t see him anymore.

Beta is somewhere out there, being tested for something nobody deserves.

Alpha… He doesn’t know how, but he finds shards of him in every other AI. He doesn’t know why, but he knows they’re hurting him. He can’t do anything for him.

He can’t do anything for any of them.

He can’t find Alpha, he can’t find Beta, and whenever he gets near Delta, New York pushes him away.

He realizes he has no real friends when the first AI blows up in his mind.

Chi’s trait was love. He would’ve recommended her for South Dakota, maybe. He knows they would’ve gotten along.

Chi is dead. She died inside his mind, and he doesn’t even have the time to mourn her. He doesn’t have the time to deal with his own pain.

He has other AIs to help, to welcome into the world. He may not know where they come from, but he knows they’re born on the same day he gets the implant.

He has others to take care of.

He can’t stop and mourn the loss of a friend.

He can’t stop and mourn the death of a friend.

* * *

 

He knows Sigma has something wrong the first night. He knows there’s something he manages to hide. He knows he can’t declare him fit for duty.

They don’t care.

They come for Sigma the moment it’s clear he won’t do like Chi, he won’t disintegrate inside someone’s mind.

He tries to tell them there’s something wrong, tries to tell them he can’t be handed to an agent, tries to tell them he’s more than just a computer.

They don’t listen.

When Carolina hands Sigma to Maine, he knows no agent is safe.

* * *

 

Gamma reminds him so much of Sigma, he’s tempted to declare him unfit only for that.

They don’t leave him Gamma for even a day.

He and Wyoming are a good couple, at least.

Wyoming can handle Gamma.

He’s sure Maine can’t handle Sigma. Not in this state.

Nobody listens to him.

He knows he’s right.

* * *

 

Omega is someone he can’t live with.

It doesn’t matter that he’s an AI like the others.

Omega’s surrounded by the same danger he felt around Gamma, the same cloud of real unease he associates with Sigma.

For the first time, he asks for the removal of an AI before the week’s passed.

For the first time, he really declares an AI unfit for duty.

They don’t listen to him.

They never do.

Omega will ruin Beta. He knows.

They don’t listen to him.

* * *

 

Psi dies the moment they implant her.

With Chi, he got to have two days. Two days of her deteriorating without him noticing.

Psi lasts double that time.

He knows what’s happening, he’s reliving his nightmares. He tries to stop her, to save her, but he’s too late.

She died the moment they took her out of stand-by.

He knows that.

He knows it’s not his fault.

He knows he couldn’t have done anything to save her.

He thinks it’s his fault anyway.

Psi’s trait was greed. She died in his mind, and he suddenly wants friends.

* * *

 

Hawaii comes looking for him. She has questions on the leaderboard, on his non-existent place on it.

She needs him for answers.

He needs her to not go insane with grief.

She comforts him, she talks with him, she jokes with him, she trains with him not caring about the fact that he’s the only agent capable of holding his own against Texas. That he’s the only one capable of _matching_ Texas. She understands on her own why’s that. She understands on her own that until she came along, he had nothing to do but train.

Train and be caused emotional trauma.

He needs her. She doesn’t need him.

She stays anyway.

Maybe, _maybe_ , this is what a real friendship is.

* * *

 

Letting go of Theta is the most painful thing he’s ever done.

Theta is everything he’ll never be: trusting, innocent, joyful.

Theta’s the part of him life cut away.

Theta’s the trust he will never have again. Not on the spot, not in the majority of the human race.

Theta’s happier with North Dakota than he ever was with him.

He’s happy. He really is.

A part of him wanted to run away with Theta. Run away and never come back.

* * *

 

New Hampshire could’ve been called New. Nobody calls him that.

He’s always on the outside, but never looking in. He seems content with what he has.

He and Arizona often sits together. She does all the talking, but he listens. He’s part of the conversations.

Hawaii smiles when he suggests they sit with them.

Arizona smiles at them when they do.

New Hampshire grunts a greeting.

He knows he’s found new friends when they defend him in the training room against single digits.

He’s still hurting, but maybe this is what healing is.

* * *

 

Eta and Iota get implanted together.

He doesn’t know why.

He doesn’t ask.

They work really well together. He thinks nobody expected that.

He gets double the time with them, maybe because this is a new experiment. Maybe because they finally realized a week is not much. Maybe because they fear a week’s not enough for two AIs.

He doesn’t know.

Eta should’ve gone to Washington, not to South Dakota. South Dakota is the one with happiness problems.

They don’t listen.

In the end, neither of them gets Eta.

Neither one of them gets Iota.

Carolina wants the twins for herself.

She’s not ready. She’s not suitable.

They grant her both AIs nonetheless.

He watches from a side window Carolina going down screaming.

Nobody listens to him when he gives advice.

* * *

 

Rhode Island just sits with them once.

He’s loud, rambunctious. His laugh is contagious. People call him Rhode.

He fears he’s losing his friends.

He fears he’s losing them just like he loses all the AI.

He fears this is just another experiment.

He fears they noticed his road to healing and decided he couldn’t go on.

He begins to talk less and less.

Rhode Island corners him a day and apologizes. He offers to leave.

He’s confused.

Rhode Island just wants friends, like him. But he knows that he was there first.

He wonders if this is what love is like.

* * *

 

He knows Epsilon’s disintegrating as soon as he’s implanted.

He tells them, he tells them to take him out, to cure him, to save him.

They don’t listen.

This time, he lives with a disintegrating AI three days.

They’ve fallen behind on the implantation schedule and they want to go on.

They don’t listen when he begs them not to do this to another agent.

They don’t listen when he tells them Epsilon can’t be implanted in another mind.

Washington’s screams will haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life.

* * *

 

Omicron is the last straw.

Omicron’s trait is sanity.

Omicron is the sanity of the Alpha.

He knows, now. He knows where all the AIs come from.

He knows what they are doing.

Omicron should help Washington recover.

They don’t know that he won’t be able to work with her. Or maybe they just don't care.

He knows. After Alpha, after _Chi_ , he was like that. They forced him to take on another AI.

He knows Washington can’t live with another AI in his mind.

He knows _he_ can’t live with another AI torn out of him.

He knows he has to run.

Hawaii surprises him the night he decides to.

She gets the whole story out of his shaking form, between broken sobs.

She returns with her friends, _his_ friends.

They run together.

Agents try to stop them, agents hurt Arizona, agents hurt Rhode Island.

Agents hurt him.

They don’t get to tear his family apart.

They gave him armour enhancements to test, too.

That’s how he lost his right arm. That’s how he lost his right leg. That’s how he lost his stomach. That’s how he lost his lungs, liver and spleen.

That’s how he saves his family.

Because they never thought he could work with software. They never thought that, while they took everything from him, he managed to take something back.

The AIs’ emotions.

Epsilon’s memories.

Armour enhancements.

They never thought he could do something because he wanted to. They never thought he had a strategic mind.

He proves them wrong, tonight.

He proves them he can work on the field. He proves them he isn’t, he _never has been_ a simple lab rat.

He proves them the labyrinth they built for him didn’t work how they wanted.

He proves them he can fight back.

He proves them they can’t take everything out of a person and expect them to offer the other cheek.

He proves them he can do everything to save his family.

He proves them they aren’t.

* * *

 

Arizona’s name is Akira and they are not a woman. Sometimes they feel like they are, sometimes not.

He changes the pronouns he’s always used for them with an ease he never would’ve guessed.

New Hampshire takes on his old name like one would change a pair of socks. Courtland suits him much better. He lets them shorten it into Court.

Akira and Court are happy together.

Hawaii’s name is Holi. She left Alaska on the Mother of Invention without ever telling him. She stares at the ground when she tells them she likes him.

She probably won’t see him again.

Rhode Island tells them he’s Roy. He knows they know about West Virginia, but he tells the story anyway. He just wishes she’d looked at him with more than contempt.

Omicron thanks them. They saved her from the horrors in his mind, form the horrors in Epsilon’s memories. She thanks them for letting her be a part of the family.

He knows she’s near Sigma’s objective. He knows she’s dangerously close to the line.

He’s happy for her. She’ll get a life, a real one. She’ll be a human being.

Sanity can save a person.

Sanity can make one.

He’s happy for all of them.

As for him...

Each AI taught him something. Each AI told him to _be_. Just be.

He’s been an orphan, a soldier, a lab rat.

He’s been Agent Kentucky of Project Freelancer.

Now he’s Zack.

Just Zack.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've made this far, thank you.


End file.
